Doubt Your Doubt

Not to go into unnecessary, dramatic details, but earlier this year I was driven back to a place I never thought I would go back to. I am a firm believer that people come and go in our lives for a specific purpose and to teach us a lesson, and apparently I have not learned this particular lesson yet because here I was going on attempt number three to get this drilled into my thick skull. This situation has shaken my trust and my security, which had already been shaken from the past hurt. While attempting to deal with my mind and get myself under control, I decided to read through one of my journals. The particular journal I picked up was one from college. I turned to a random page, and in the way that God so often does with my stubborn self, I read a couple sentences I had written during the same situation as I am in right now, which put me right back in my humble little place. And this is what I read: 

“Nevertheless, means trusting God’s handiwork even when you can’t see His face or understand the reason for your situation. My faith cannot be shaken even though I am shaken. Faith does not mean I don’t doubt, it just means I don’t doubt my faith.“ 

This time, or rather times, have shaken me in a way I never could have imagined. I can believe we have all experienced a time in our lives like this in some way or another. People who were the closest to you suddenly became strangers. People who you entrusted with your dreams and the personal aspects of your life, had now betrayed you. Your heart had been broken by someone who was supposed to hold it safe. Your trust was shattered in a seemingly irreparable manner. Due to pain and hurt, you distanced yourself from the world and put up a wall in order to keep yourself safe. Your emotions ran away with you. Your heart began beating uncontrollably from the anxiety. Now, you’ve backed yourself into an even lonelier and unhealthy situation.  

There are three verses in particular that I have found myself clinging to in times when it seems as if life is spinning out of control. 1 Peter 5:9 says to “Cast all your anxiety on Him for He cares for you.” Psalm 94:19 reminds us, “When my anxiety multiplies, your comforting calms me”. Luke 21:9 states, “By your patience possess your emotions”. These verses are hard to come to terms with. If we’re a control freak, we don’t like to feel as if we have lost control. When our emotions are out of control, we get impatient. We try to take it all into our own hands. Yet, here we are so blatantly told to do the exact opposite. 

God wants us to take everything in our lives and place into His safe and secure hands. This requires me to abandon my reliance on me and run toward the rest that can be found only when I fully rely on the power of God. I will never find peace within myself. I will never find the strength to carry on with all life throws at me.

I want to share with you a meditation I discovered a few years ago that I kept on my bathroom mirror throughout college as a daily reminder to keep peace within myself and God. 

Close your eyes 
And just breathe
Go to that place
You know, 
that one place where everything else just doesn’t exist or matter anymore; 
the traffic, 
the deadlines, 
all the hassles of doing life in a world like ours. 
Go to that quiet place, 
it doesn’t have to be for long. 
Just enough to breathe, 
to be. 
Give yourself the gift of time, 
of space, 
of solitude. 
Go there. 
Listen some more. 
And in that still, small whisper, 
hear the Lord.
And know that your are loved.  
Loved by your Creator and Father.


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